Et Tu Osinbajo! By Isidore Emeka Uzoatu
‘Omo, you hear wetin come de shele?
‘Okoro man! Where e de happen?’
‘Owambe man! I de talk shele you de talk happen.’
‘Never mind, sha. Wetin be that?’
‘You mean say na only you for this country wey never hear wetin Oga VP yarn?’
‘Uncle Yemo?’
‘Uncle ke?’
‘Yes now.’
‘He was not, is not and can never be my uncle.’
‘Sorry o. I no remember say all your uncles don kpeme. What is it about the honourable VP?’
‘No be your uncle ‘im be again? No be you suppose tell me?’
‘Is it about those monkeys collecting signatures to impeach him?’
‘What? Perhaps he is your uncle true, truly. Surf as I have on the internet, I never hear that one o. Wetin the gentleman come do them na?’
‘I know for them?
‘You go know before? Uncle ni, uncle ko. Or no be so una de talk am?’
‘A beg, give me a break. But which one ‘im come do you just now?’
‘I hear, sorry, read where ‘im come talk say them want give constitutional roles to traditional rulers.’
‘He can’t say that!’
‘But he has.’
‘That must be fake news.’
‘Abi na hate speech?’
‘Any which one; it must be his enemies at work again.’
‘But he said it, I swear. Though right now I’m not quite sure where.’
‘And you are spreading it?’
‘Is it not to just you alone?’
‘No be so you for de spread am de go?’
‘If I spread am nko? How ‘im go take the mouth wey ‘im de take chop amala and ewedu form that kin’ mess.’
‘I no come understand you again o. You no wan’ make our royal fathers get constitutional roles.’
‘May be for your place, sha. For my place, the answer is a capital no, no and a resolute no.’
‘Haba! Why now?’
‘When the wahala wey the warrant chiefs them oyinbo by force on us never settle?’
‘But true, true, una been no get traditional rulers?’
‘From wetin I see, some been get but many no get.’
‘No vex o, but no be am be say una no come get tradition?’
‘Ode! Na to get traditional ruler be to get tradition?’
‘Why not, if not.’
‘See you. It only means that rather than a pyramidal and feudal, our tradition favours a collegiate ruling system rather.’
‘But there are traditional rulers dotting your geopolitical zone now.’
‘Yes now, following the afore-mentioned oyinbo warrant chief law stretched further by another uncle of yours who again forced them down our throats in the 1970s.’
‘Another uncle of mine?’
‘Ha, you no know Uncle Shaygay again?’
‘Come on, it was in your best interest now.’
‘Then why did we not opt for it in the pre-independence constitution?’
‘Don’t bring that restructuring nonsense into this.’
‘Sorry, o; but sometimes what is good for the geese may not be so for the gizzard.’
‘What?’
‘Even if una wan hand over the leadership of the country to monarchs, you and your uncles had better be minded that it’ll only end up destabilising our own polity.’
‘So what’s the way forward?’
‘We have to go back to our independence constitution, by which each section of the country will have to cope with its own reality as pleases it. Call it restructuring or whatever, but that’s how it ought to be if we have to forge ahead as a nation. Tell your uncles o!’
