Men’s preferences for women change with age, exposure, and income. What a man wants in his 20s will differ from what he wants in his forties. The woman he can afford at his first marriage will be different from the woman he would love to have in his midlife, especially in abubuwa na shigo masa. This is why we advise our fellow women to evolve with their men.
This post is about men. I’ve written a lot for women and about women. It’s your turn now, especially since no one takes time to tell men what is required of them to keep their marriage going. The expectation is that a woman should keep her marriage. The reality is that it takes a husband and wife’s combined efforts to keep the marriage going.
My brother, know that your woman cannot be what you want without your support. Here, support means emotional, financial, and social support. If you marry a woman with minimal educational qualifications and you go ahead and add degrees without carrying her along, you are naturally creating a gap in your relationship.
If you are always travelling within and outside your country, without her, she will be left behind in experience and exposure.
If you are getting a lot of money, changing your wardrobe and perfume collections, and not doing so for her, she will soon be too local for you.
Know that the fine, educated, and brilliant lady you are eyeing and admiring is like that because someone invested in her. Someone allowed her to grow. Someone trusted, invested, and supported her. Good soup, they say, ‘na money me kam.’
Building meaningful connections with women, akin to nurturing a plant, involves investing time, energy, and resources. Just as they blossom with care, women flourish when given attention and support. Recognising the value of financial care, pampering, and spoiling in fostering a strong and vibrant relationship is essential.
Let me start with these two hadiths.
Our Prophet, Muhammad, peace be upon him, said, “When a Muslim spends something on his family intending to receive Allah’s reward, it is regarded as Sadaqa for him.”
Allah’s Apostle said, “Allah said, ‘O son of Adam! Spend, and I shall spend on you.”
I don’t want to start listing the basic things a woman needs from her man because not all fingers are equal, and what is basic to one family may be a luxury to another.
But a lady needs peace and care to look good and be happy. Everyone can afford that, huh?
Some men struggle to chat, tease, and play with their wives. Acknowledging her efforts, praising her, praying for her, and engaging in meaningful, deep conversations is a big deal. Watching movies with one’s wife, taking her out, travelling with her, or spending quality time with her is impossible for some men.
On nutrition, a good and balanced diet is the number one responsibility of a husband. A husband should spend money on his family, depending on his pocket. Don’t give her garri and Garau-Garau; order shawarma, basmati, and tiger nut drink from Auyo’s Cuisines. Buying grains only and leaving her to cater to the remaining ingredients is wrong. Sometimes, the ingredients for food preparation cost more than the grains.
Body care essentials like soap, pads, deodorants, perfumes, hair products, and clothing are non-negotiable. If you have the resources, give her money for a good skincare routine, spa treatment, gyaran jiki, salon, manicure, pedicure, etc.
Normalise buying clothes more than two times a year. Give her money for nighties, underwear, comfy wear, and pyjamas. A woman also needs hijabs, veils, laffayas, and abayas. Everything I listed here has prices that vary with one’s income, dan Allah a kamanta.
A woman needs to update and upgrade her Islamic knowledge, Western education, and socialisation in education. The world is changing and evolving in the blink of an eye. If she’s stagnant in these areas, she might not be well-equipped to raise your kids and be the wife that you need.
Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, and a mother of three. She is a Home Maker, caterer and parenting/ relationship coach.